How God whispered in my heart to slow down

Today is the first time I ever went to a doctor without anyone by my side. Yep, even if I am already 30 this is the first time that I brave it out to go to a clinic without any company. At the first hour, I was chill. I played my tablet just fine. I have forgotten the pain that I am going through. But then the waiting become 2 hrs and I started to be bored. I am not really a patient lady but the pain that I am enduring is painful enough for me to stay and get to know what is happening in my body. And so, I waited patiently until I went to the nurse station to ask what number it is already as I know I am just the fourth person in the list. I was massaging my upper left chest walking to and fro the nurse station and my seat to which the old lady sitting beside me saw. She asked me if my chest hurts and I said yes, it hurts very much. But then I heard her saying to her companion "her chest pains because she is so fat". When I heard that, my eyes become teary and almost cried, I felt so alone. I feel that no one could protect me from that harsh comment and so I prayed. I remember what my cousin is saying that I am not alone, that GOD IS ALWAYS WITH ME but I am only human that while I was praying to papa God I told him that during that time I need someone physically but I have to comfort myself that papa God is still with me watching everything. That everything is in place that I am where I needed to be because I need to know what is happening to my body. As I know I need to make changes so that I may no longer harm myself. Indeed, when it was already my turn, I was so enlighten by the doctor. This is a case of Costochondritis which stems from carrying heavy backpack in my case. So the doctor order me to unload and lighten my bag. Thank God its nothing serious!

While on the commute going home, it struck me, this ordeal seems like that God made his message to me to slow down. If you know me personally, you will notice that I do everything in haste. In the morning when I wake up, I will only allow 30 mins for myself to prepare for the day to which it is supposed to be 45 mins to 1 hr so that I can do everything leisurely. With this situation that I am in I am forced to slow down my paced. To bring only what is necessary and to only do what is needed to do. I think the message now is to slow down and relax. To simplify and not complicate my life more. That everything is falling into place and it is God who eventually has the perfect timing so all I have to do is relax, do slowly what I can do and let go.

Second Guessing

I hate when I am in this position where in I am trying to figure out what I still want to do with my life. I hate it when I want something material then I would second guess myself in buying the stuff that I want/I need. Then in the long run I would buy something that I thought is helping me save up but in the end I just makes me spend more. Well, this time I think I should change the way I think about things about stuff. I think I should stop second guessing myself and just enjoy the things that I want to enjoy and stop hoarding. There is a lot of clutter in my life already that I need to unload now. I guess, I should start giving it away.

Another year to dream big

Nasa punto ako ngaun ng buhaybko kung saan pakiramdam ko ay tapos na ang lahat. Walang plano, walang pangarap. Empty na naman. Ngunit naisip ko na bakit noon? Nung wala pa akong trabaho, wala pa akong kinikita, wala naman ako pera nun. Pangarap lang ang meron ako na natupad naman. Ngayon natupad na ang mga pangarap ko at kumikita na ako bakit parang mas humirap pa ang pakiramdam ko? Dahil ba to nakaranas na ako ng maraing failure kung saan ayoko na pagdaanan at tuluyan na akong napagod? Mas dahil ba to sa takot na mapagdaanan ulit lahat ng napag daanan ko? Siguro un nga iyon pero ngaun susubok ulit ako mangarap at this time isa isa ko nng tutupadin iyon

Renegade Me

Looking at the previous blog posts, I realized I never finished the challenge I have put upon myself. Its nice that I got this thing somewhere in the web to actually remind myself of the forgotten projects that I should have finished. I am still at my current weight and did not gain at all. Have been eating moderately and meeting friends from one day to another. Then I got tired of endlessly going out from one place to the next and that is why I have forgotten to update this blog. But writing on a journal is ingrained in me so even though I renegade most of the time I will always, always go back to this website to somehow update myself of what happened to me so that my older self will always remember how did I do during these times. .I always love reading my writing in the past and how much I have grown over the years. I love how I was able to look back and see the past girl that I am. And so mark this post as my first post for this year 2015. I have grown a lot and more responsibilities but I can do this. I know I can.