I was trying to read my old blogpost since 2006 and I was shocked that what I felt before is what I still felt right now. It gives me this emptiness that seemed like I am not doing anything to improve my life. Maybe, I have really not found my purpose or maybe my soul have died long ago.
I also notice that I have this entry about my past boyfriend and I notice that it still hurt. It still hurt like hell remembering him. Maybe I didn't move on at all. Maybe I have not really extracted him from my heart. I did loved him. I still get teary eyed remembering him. No he is not dead. He just killed whatever love he has for me. I also remember this other boyfriend that I have that I still have the evidence why I did let him go. Upon reading it, it still damned hurt so so much. Then I remember this college friend of mine saying that whatever happened your exes will always always have that part of yourself. A part of your love to which you will still be hurt whenever you remember them.
I don't really understand it when I was a naive 17 yo chick but now? I damn well understand it and it pained me to know that I am still figuring out how will I ever moved on with the damaged me. I always thought that I am healed, that I have moved on. But then when I stepped on the landmines of my emotions, it still hurt. It still affects me.
But the girl before and the girl at present is much more recluse. Her circle is much more smaller now than before. The courageous girl has taken cover within herself. She has reach her peaked and have become a coward. But the girl is still striving for her greatness. The girl is still looking into herself and reminding herself to dream even just for a little.
