Grief

 My last blog post was back in 2019. I thought I would eventually write in this space consistently after that but I am so wrong.

A lot has happened now. I am now a master's degree holder to which I don't know what is the importance with my current career path. Lets just hope this gets me to somewhere.

Oh yeah! The topic of this post is grief.

You see my grandparents died in last march (grandmama) and last april (grandpapa). It didn't came as a shock but lets be honest they are old so with the pandemic, I am so grateful that they welcome the year 2021 but they have not hold on until the end.

But what shocked me was after 3 months of them passing away, GRIEF slapped me so damned hard in the face and I realize that I missed them so damn much. I am not the most loving, patient and soft spoken grandchild who someone wishes for. I am a hard headed, independent and defiant child to them but I LOVE THEM. I gave up things to served them better. I gave up a part of my life for them. Now, they are gone and I don't know what to do. I felt stuck. I felt stagnant. I felt sad.

This pandemic  has forced me to stop and look inside myself. If it was pre-pandemic I will just go out and drown myself to many distractions that outside world has to offer but no, it is pandemic and we are lockdown.  Everyday, I see the four walls of our house. Everyday, there is a portion of my time where grief will sneak into my system. I tried to be busy. I am functioning but emotionally I am in havoc. I am a mess. But I am sure that these are just passing waves that I have to deal with. These are just emotions to which I must faced.

I missed them terribly but I know they are in a better place now.

I know too that I will be better in time.