As I were watching the news about student who committed suicide, I could not stop myself from remembering the dark days that I've been through. I remember the time when someone important in my life have left me hanging out of nowhere. Without a word of goodbye, this person just left my life and I was terribly devastated emotionally. I was stunned. I don't know what to do so I just cried ceaselessly. I remember that time that I cannot be left alone because leaving me alone makes me think and thinking makes me miserable. That time I prayed to God to make the emotional pain go away. I couldn't stand the emotional pain. Actually writing it now here on the blog makes my eyes teary eyed (see I told you I am so in touch with my emotional side! such a drama queen
). I know for a fact that I am suicidal way before this incident that's why I am so afraid of myself to be left alone as I don't know what I will do. I remember one day during my cry fest that the pain was so strong. The emotional turmoil was so deep that I could no longer contain the emotional pain that I am going thru. So I went to our kitchen, as I was about to get the biggest knife, I imagine my funeral. I imagine my parents crying so hard while hugging my casket. My grandparents who loved me so much would also be devastated, my grandma would never handle it emotionally and would have faint during the wake. Friends would ask why do I do it and I guess the answer is not reasonable enough to take one's life. With that thought, I walk away from the kitchen and stay out of the big knife.
). I know for a fact that I am suicidal way before this incident that's why I am so afraid of myself to be left alone as I don't know what I will do. I remember one day during my cry fest that the pain was so strong. The emotional turmoil was so deep that I could no longer contain the emotional pain that I am going thru. So I went to our kitchen, as I was about to get the biggest knife, I imagine my funeral. I imagine my parents crying so hard while hugging my casket. My grandparents who loved me so much would also be devastated, my grandma would never handle it emotionally and would have faint during the wake. Friends would ask why do I do it and I guess the answer is not reasonable enough to take one's life. With that thought, I walk away from the kitchen and stay out of the big knife.
What was the feeling of going from the room to the kitchen and what is going on in my mind? The feeling of emotional turmoil is painful than having physical pain. I would rather exchange the emotional pain to the pain of a big bleeding wound or a sprained or a cut toe. The mind was blank because all you want to do is to feel the physical pain. To feel that you are hurting physically is much acceptable than the one I am experiencing that time.
Emotional people are very fragile and yet strong all at the same time. This is due to the heighten sensitivity that they felt. They carry this emotional turmoil but face the day with smile. They are day by day doing their normal stuff with emotional baggage.
I know this because I am emotional. What can the people around that person do? Actually the answer was nothing but if you are her friend, mother, sister, grandmother all you have to do is make that person feel special. Make that person know that you will always there. People who are suicidal just needs to have someone to hang on to and once they know that they have you then suicide is still an option for them during weak moments but will never be a solution for them because they know if they do that there will be someone who will be so hurt and would cry buckets of tears because of the lost. Those suicidal people care too much to the people who give them the importance that they long for. People who make emotional people realize that life is worth living are the once who really matters and changes their perspective. It is so hard to be a clown but if someone accepts the weakness and real person behind the costume then you will make them accept life even when there are so many twists and turns.
To those who felt that they are alone, please note this. You are not alone in your battle. Many people all over the world feel your pain. Don't snap to the emotional and mental turmoil that you will resolve yourself to suicide. THIS IS NOT THE SOLUTION. ENDING YOUR LIFE IS NOT THE END. you will just put your parents to further hurt and more pain. You think you are alone but note that you will never be alone because there is GOD and he is just testing your FAITH through your problems. So clasp your hands together and call upon him. HE WILL ANSWER IMMEDIATELY if you JUST DO IT! THERE ARE ALWAYS A REASON FOR EVERYTHING and if you past the test then YOU WILL KNOW YOUR ANSWERS AND REASONS FOR YOUR PROBLEM.
How'd I know? because I've been there, done that but then again look at me now still alive and kicking and fighting and laughing and marking my mark to the world. Make yours too don't resolve yourself to just being the kid who took their life... BE THE KID WHO SURVIVED IT ALL.
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